I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
