You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
