'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
