hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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