my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
