I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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