The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
