Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Will exercising make me less horny?
I did not marry a roomba.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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