im about as happy as oj after his trial
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
