Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
