ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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