Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
