i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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