This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
