I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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