Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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