Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
