don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
