A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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