i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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