Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
