I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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