I accidentally had phone sex last night
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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