I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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