I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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