I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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