the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
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He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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