My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You are the jesus of drinking
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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