Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
