I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
