It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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