remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
