my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
