Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
