Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
