You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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