Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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