I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
