im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
