I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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