I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
