dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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