Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
