She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
