My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
