how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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