It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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