You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
