My nipple is on Facebook.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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