um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
