i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
