I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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