I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
