What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
