i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
