Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
