she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
