I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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