Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
