Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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