need another drink. this is the easiest way
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
