It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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